If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
