Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
