I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
