at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
