Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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