It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
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I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
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i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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