recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
