Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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