Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
