so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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