Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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