Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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