Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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