You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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