I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
