please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
