I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
