i wish starbucks made bloody marys
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
