dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
