I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
