I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
