she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
