Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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