Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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