I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
