I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We're too hungover to prance.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
