I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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