well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
