theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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