I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
