I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
