I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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