There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
