I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
