Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize