just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
