Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
