Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
