why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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