just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
