Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
