I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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