Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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