She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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