He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
