I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
