The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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