I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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