I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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