You kept calling me your small dog last night.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
