Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
