I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
