I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
