I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
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