I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
