You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
