Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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