This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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