I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
